Don't Let Me Tumbl Away

quinnmccoy:

(Source: lightsbeaukan)

During bootcamp, my division, division 085, shared living quarters with division 086. This means that we were intigrated divisions, or divisions split half male and half female. Because of this, the males from both divisions lived in one compartment while the females were in another. Since we were separate divisions but were still so close to one another, they call us brother divisions, and we naturally form a rivalry between one another.

Well, this isn’t a bootcamp story. In my brother division, there was a girl that caught my eye near the beginning, but since they have a STRICT rule about fraternization in bootcamp I of course never said a word. However, after bootcamp ended and we were more free to open up after arriving at our specific schools, I started to talk to her more.

Turns out, we have a TON in common. Similar tastes in music, gamers, anime freaks, you name it. Even a bunch of trivial things would pop up that I would notice we had in common. To me, there was an instant connection.

Now, before all of this, way before bootcamp, I had written a mental contract with myself that I would no longer open up to just anyone. I had gone about 1 year and 8 months living as an empty shell, and I was fine with that…until this point. A million possibilities ran through my head at once and I came to the conclusion that I wanted to take the chance and finally be myself again.

And so I did.

We got along very well. We went bowling, played pool, video games, went to the mall, watched tv… Just small things. Things I hadn’t done in one year and eight months. Just small things that people do every day, except for me. It was so strange to just fall back into this routine after so long, yet at the same time it just felt…natural. I was finally smiling and laughing again, and being my old, cheery self.

Eventually the sun would go down, and I would walk her to her room. We’d stand there and talk for a little while until she said that she should head inside. Except, the way she said it and the way she was swaying her body with that shy smile caused me to pause…

And I kissed her.

And she kissed back.

I walked back to my room with a giant grin on my face. My cheeks were aching from using these facial muscles after so long, but I didn’t care. I was too happy.

It went on for a few more days. We’d hang out, talk about our past, end the day in a similar fashion. Every night I would walk back to my room with the same goofy grin. Well, every night except last night.

A series of events led me to make an unfortunate discovery, and I immediately fell apart. (I won’t go into the details for the sake of maintaining anonymity and reputation) I got back to my room and lost my dinner. I spent hour after hour staring at the ceiling as the all-too-fimiliar storm of thousands of thoughts, scenarios and questions flashed through my mind like they have for the past few years.

I finally got to sleep somewhere between 5am and 6am, and woke up at 8am. I just sat there for a while, staring at the wall. I finally got up, showered and got dressed. I unconsciously made my way up to her room and knocked on her door. She answered, having just woken up, and said the one phrase that was echoing through my thoughts all of last night. “I think it would be best if you just stayed away from me right now.”

Next thing I know, I’m in my room again, keeled over with my hands on my bed and tears running down my face. I made the decision to seclude myself from society ever so long ago for this very reason, and the worst scenario happened just as I had imagined it would. I finally gather up the courage to crawl up from the darkness of my mind and allow someone else to make contact, and everything falls apart. The walls I’ve been building to protect me for so long lay shattered around me, and I don’t know what to do.

I spend the day sitting. Just sitting and thinking. I finally realized around 6pm that I hadn’t eaten anything, so I threw something in the microwave. Not a good idea. Not five minutes later, it was coming back up. All that I could really do to keep level-headed was listen to music, the one vice that has helped me through so much.

But still, one question haunts me like it always has… What do I do now?

the-hangingtree:

These little girls in my high school today (they’re part of the middle years program which pretty much lets middle school students attend high school) were discussing THG and how some of the actors didn’t match up with the way they saw certain characters. It was so adorbz until one of them said, “The girl who plays Katniss could be skinnier..”

In my personal opinion, I think the actress that plays Katniss is too pretty… I mean, she comes from a coal mining town. Genetically, she’d probably have broader features, like a broader face and stuff… But I’m a huge critic.

Oh, and David Tennant shoulda been Cinna.